Motherhood can change almost every part of your life. From the moment a child depends on you, your time, attention, and priorities begin to shift. In the early years especially, it can become difficult to separate who you are from what you do as a mother.
In conversations with mothers in both Nigeria and the UK, one theme comes up often: after years of caring for everyone else, some women struggle to answer a simple question — What do I want for myself?
That question can bring guilt. A mother may love her children deeply and still want something beyond parenting, and that doesn’t mean motherhood isn’t enough. Gratitude and difficulty can coexist.
For some women, motherhood has also brought challenges they rarely speak about. Difficult pregnancies, birth experiences, emotional struggles after childbirth, lack of support or the pressure to simply cope can stay with a mother long after the early years have passed. In some families and communities, these experiences are still minimised, which can make it harder for women to speak openly about what they have been through.
Then there is work. Returning after a long break can bring its own uncertainty. Childcare may be expensive, flexible work may be hard to find, and confidence can be affected after years away from a professional environment. For mothers raising children away from extended family, there may also be added pressure to stay present while carrying more of the responsibility alone.
These decisions are rarely straightforward. A mother can want financial independence and still worry about missing important moments. She can want to return to work and still feel drawn to being at home. She can be ambitious and still want flexibility.
As children grow, however, something begins to change. They become more independent, routines shift, and the parts of the day that once revolved entirely around their needs may begin to open up. That can bring up another question: Who am I outside of motherhood?
The answer does not have to be dramatic. It may begin with recognising what still interests you, what has changed and what kind of life now feels right.
That might mean returning to work, taking a course, starting something small, volunteering, exploring self-employment or simply reconnecting with an interest that was put aside. The point is not to recreate the person you were before children. Motherhood changes us, and there is no reason to pretend otherwise.
A more useful starting point may be to ask: What do I enjoy now? What am I good at? What kind of opportunity would fit the life I actually have?
Those questions can be more helpful than trying to return to an old version of yourself.
Finding yourself again is not about stepping away from motherhood. It is about recognising that motherhood is one part of who you are, not the whole of it.
You are still allowed to learn, create, work, change direction and build something that belongs to you.
